When Love Repeats History: Breaking Free from the Ex Cycle

Do you ever find yourself wondering what life would have been like if you had never left an ex? Do you believe this person was “the one that got away”? In this blog, we’ll talk about how to manage these thoughts and feelings. I’m sharing my story to offer encouragement and compassion to those struggling with unresolved emotions about a former partner.

The One That Got Away

There I was, brokenhearted over an ex-boyfriend and unsure of what to do next with my life. I had invested so much time and effort into the relationship that I never imagined it would end. Looking back, I realize that when I was younger, I was naive and had many lessons to learn. I was convinced this person was “the one that got away.” I believed—foolishly—that he was the one who would complete my soul and that we would live “happily ever after.”

As time passed, I entered other relationships, but none seemed to compare to that one. I would even find myself daydreaming about what it would be like if we rekindled that first spark we had shared.

Life has a funny way of offering unexpected growth opportunities. Many years later, while I was in college, this old flame found me, and we did reconnect—but it was nothing like the fantasy I had been holding onto. One important lesson I learned about myself is that once trust is broken, there is no going back for me. My heart still carried the resentment from him leaving me all those years ago. I tried to reignite those feelings, but the trust was gone. That was the end.

We parted ways amicably this time, for good. I learned to live without him, to surround myself with emotional support, and to enjoy my single life. I’m not saying it’s impossible to reconnect and find the right person years later, but in my experience, it’s rare. That leads me to a concept I call the “X factor.”

The “X” Factor

When I talk to my clients about the “X factor,” I’m borrowing from algebra—solving for x. It’s that elusive thing you can’t quite put your finger on, but you know deep down the relationship won’t work because of it. In my case, x was trust.

Sometimes the X factor is a personality trait you need, but the person doesn’t have. Sometimes it’s a life circumstance that can’t change. A word of caution about reconnecting with an ex: unless that person has worked on resolving the X factor—often with the help of counseling—it’s doubtful the relationship will be healthy the second time around. If the root issue remains, history will repeat itself. Old patterns will resurface, and the person will still not be the right match.

I know this is hard to accept, but I hope it helps free you from the heartache of wondering if giving an ex another chance is a good idea.

I’ll leave you with a hopeful piece of wisdom my loving mother once shared with me: “If you stay in a relationship you know isn’t right, that person is taking the place of your true match.” Truer words were never spoken. Once I broke the cycle of trying to reconnect with exes, I found my real match!

If this resonates with you, I want you to know you’re not alone. At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based clinical approaches to meet your needs—and to help you rise from whatever challenges you’re facing.

Maria Peters, LMHC