Charisma or Claws? How to Recognize and Resist a Narcissist’s Grip

Do you ever wonder if you are dealing with a narcissist? A great example of one came from a television show I watched years ago. Everyone was amazed by the beauty and charisma of this goddess, who hosted wellness seminars. The main character of the show suspected something was off about her; sure enough, he was right. Whenever everyone else looked at her face, they saw a mesmerizing beauty. But when the main character looked at her face, all he saw was rotting flesh. This is a demonstration of how charisma can easily trick us into ignoring the true essence of a narcissist. In this blog, we will explore what a narcissist is, along with strategies to help disengage from them. I’m sharing my story to offer encouragement and compassion to those struggling with a narcissist.

Let’s take a deeper look at some typical personality traits of a narcissist. These individuals tend to behave selfishly and avoid taking responsibility for their mistakes. In the counseling field, we call this “externalizing the blame.” In other words, instead of owning their behaviors, they blame others and make excuses for themselves. They often act entitled, as if they are owed more than the average person deserves. Sadly, a narcissist has a difficult time feeling compassion and empathy for others. All of these traits contribute to a cycle of abuse for their victims.

The Narcissist Cycle of Abuse

There are four stages in this cycle of abuse, each contributing to control and making people feel sad, angry, and fearful. The first stage is called idealization, also known as “love bombing.” This is when you are put on a pedestal and showered with grand gestures and gifts of affection. Beware! Although your heart wants to believe this person, unfortunately, it is false. The purpose behind these gestures is to win you over and lay the groundwork for manipulation. The second stage is devaluation, where the narcissist removes you from the pedestal and uses insults and criticism to cut you down. Tactics such as gaslighting are also common, twisting your words and emotions in a way that makes you question your own memory and judgment. This form of emotional abuse aims to make you feel worthless. Common phrases include: “That never happened,” “You’re overreacting,” and “What’s the big deal?” During this stage, physical abuse or violence could also occur.

Sometimes, the narcissist will create a situation of abuse that they can then “rescue” you from. For example, they might notice you are losing a lot of weight and offer to take you food shopping. They act as if they are caring and generous, feeding you, when in fact, they are the reason you lost the weight in the first place. The next stage is Hovering, named after the vacuum cleaner that tries to suck you back in. During this phase, many strategies are used, including creating their own crises or randomly reaching out. They might speak badly about you to deliberately provoke you into engaging again. This is a way for them to maintain power and control over you.

The final stage is rejection, where the narcissist shows less interest, plays the victim, and blames you for everything. Eventually, they stop contacting you altogether until the cycle starts over with idealization. As you can imagine, this cycle is physically and emotionally draining. 

Before we discuss how to handle all of this, let’s briefly review the concept of “narcissistic supply.”

What is Narc Supply?

This refers to the attention that victims of a narcissist provide, often without even realizing it. Think of it like a person addicted to drugs or alcohol: when the substances are withdrawn, withdrawal symptoms can occur. Similarly, once the narcissist stops receiving attention from you, they will soon yearn for it again. This supply feeds their ego, boosts their self-esteem, and makes them feel worthy. Although it may seem otherwise, narcissists typically loathe themselves; this is why narcissistic supply is so crucial for their ongoing existence. So, how do you handle it when your supply is no longer being provided? Expect a dramatic response, such as anger, despair, or threats. The best tactic is called “gray rock,” in which you respond in an emotionally unresponsive way. Acting bored and disinterested discourages further communication. Gradually, they will move on and seek supplies elsewhere.

Narcissists can be found anywhere; as friends, family members, or even the cashier at the grocery store. I hope this blog gives you enough insight to handle an encounter with one. If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone. At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based clinical approaches to help meet your needs and assist you in overcoming whatever challenges you’re facing.

Maria Peters, LMHC