The Secret to Helping Others: Start With You

Do you find yourself worrying more about other people’s needs than your own? Do you often feel emotionally and physically drained after helping others? If so, you may be experiencing compassion fatigue. In this blog, we’ll explore ways to strengthen self-care skills. I’m sharing my own story to offer encouragement and compassion to anyone struggling to find a healthy balance in life.

When I first graduated from college and began my career as a counselor, I worked at a residential home for individuals dealing with both mental health challenges and substance abuse, which is often referred to as a dual diagnosis. The long hours in class, combined with even longer hours at work, took a serious toll on me. While I loved being able to help my clients, listening to their many stories of trauma slowly began to wear me down. At night, I had trouble sleeping because my mind wouldn’t stop replaying their pain and sadness. My concentration at work suffered, and although I cared deeply about my clients, I no longer had the mental or physical energy to be the empathetic counselor I once was. At the time, I was too young to recognize that I was experiencing compassion fatigue. Thankfully, I eventually found a job with more reasonable hours, which gave me the time to return to my hobbies and recharge.

What Is Compassion Fatigue?

Compassion fatigue occurs when we feel physically and emotionally exhausted from ongoing exposure to the stress and suffering of others. Although it’s most common among helping professionals and caregivers, it can happen to anyone. Over time, it can lead to reduced empathy, irritability, sadness, anxiety, and a sense of helplessness. Concentration and focus often decline, and many begin to feel numb to the experiences of others. While this can be difficult, some strategies can reduce the likelihood of compassion fatigue and help you restore balance.

Strategies to Practice More Self-Care

• Remove people from your life who treat you in an unhealthy or abusive way.

• If removing them isn’t possible, try to limit your time with them—“love them from a safe distance.”

• Surround yourself with people who provide encouragement and support instead of negativity. I often describe this to clients as being like a plant: you need the right nutrients and care to thrive. In the same way, we need supportive relationships to help us grow into the best version of ourselves.

• Make time for hobbies and interests that bring you joy.

• Set clear and healthy boundaries with others.

• Use the “plate metaphor.” This idea was first introduced to me during a training on compassion fatigue and burnout. Imagine your life as a pie chart, with each slice representing a part of your life—family, work, hobbies, sleep, eating, health, wellness, and spirituality. The more balanced these slices are, the less likely you are to burn out physically and emotionally.

  
  

The Martyr Complex

As helpers and caretakers, many of us have been conditioned to believe we must play the martyr—that the best way to support others is to become completely selfless. With all due respect to that idea, after 26 years as a counselor, I can say that nothing could be further from the truth. The most effective way to help others is first to make sure our own needs are met. This is not selfish—it’s self-care.

Think about the safety instructions on an airplane: we are told to put on our own oxygen mask before assisting anyone else. The same principle applies to our daily lives. By prioritizing our well-being, we ensure that we have the strength and energy to show up fully for others.

If any of this resonates with you, please know that you are not alone. At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based approaches to help meet your needs—and to help you rise from your challenges, just as a phoenix rises from its ashes.

Maria Peters, LMHC