Eating in the Dark: Shedding Light on Food and Shame

Do you ever find yourself thinking about food too often, even obsessing over it? Do you feel guilty after eating a large portion of dessert? Do you stare at yourself in the mirror and nitpick the parts of your body that you despise? You could be experiencing some unhealthy thoughts regarding your body and food. In this blog, we will explore the types of eating disorders along with strategies to help you combat them. I’m sharing my story to offer encouragement and compassion to those struggling with emotional eating.

Confessions of an Emotional Eater

There I was, attending elementary school and being teased by cruel peers. Lunchtime was torture—deciding where to sit so that I wouldn’t be made fun of. My parents were very supportive and loving and did their best to help me. I still remember one night after the family had celebrated a birthday party. I was struggling with an intense craving to eat more of that delicious chocolate cake.

Unfortunately, my timing was awful. I waited until everyone was sound asleep, then crept on the floor all the way down the stairs—military style. I had victoriously made it to the refrigerator, and just as I was about to dive my fork into that snack... to my complete embarrassment, I was caught red-handed by my mother. There she was, shaking her head and staring at me in amazement. I assumed I was going to be reprimanded and definitely punished. To my surprise, she sat me down and had a serious heart-to-heart about never wanting me to feel guilty or ashamed about food. This wonderful woman taught me never to feel the need to hide eating from her. She laughed and exclaimed that next time I wanted a late-night snack, all I had to do was ask.

Infomercial Queen

As I got a bit older, I became the infomercial queen. I tried all the products advertised on television—the ab roller, the thigh master, the stepper—along with various exercise tapes. I became obsessed with being “thin” and “perfect.” I assumed if I looked good, I would feel good. I realize now this was a huge mistake, because I was chasing an illogical dream that could never realistically be obtained.

I tried a bunch of fad diets, including the Zone Diet, the Cabbage Soup Diet, and the Atkins Diet. I would restrict my food intake, followed by compensating the next day from hunger, and then having a binge. This was a vicious emotional and physical rollercoaster I rode for so many years. So, what does it mean to feel the urge to binge?

What Is a Binge?

A binge is when you eat a large amount of food during two hours without stopping. There is a feeling of having lost control and never being satisfied. You feel your appetite is insatiable, and you experience a strong sense of guilt afterward. Some people feel the need to starve themselves to compensate for the binge episode.

As I mentioned, I felt compelled to hide my episodes due to embarrassment and shame. I knew this behavior was unhealthy, but I couldn’t seem to stop, no matter how hard I tried. Some people think willpower plays a role in combating this, but it does not help. It will be very challenging to stop until you can find the root cause of this behavior. One of the leading causes is that this becomes a coping skill for emotions such as sadness, anger, and pain.

Before we discuss the various strategies to deal with these emotions, we must first talk about the different types of eating disorders.

The Different Types of Eating Disorders

Anorexia Nervosa is when you have a strong need to keep your weight as low as possible. Your fear of gaining weight results in using extreme methods such as taking laxatives, limiting your food intake, or starving yourself.

Bulimia Nervosa is when concerns about body weight lead to overeating in secret, followed by the need to eliminate the food. Some people use self-induced vomiting, excessive exercise, or purging, which involves eliminating food through various methods. Often, there is a cycle of bingeing followed by purging.

Binge Eating Disorder occurs when one eats a large amount of food and feels embarrassed or ashamed afterward. As described above, one feels uninvolved and unable to stop eating. As difficult as this pattern can be to break, there are many helpful strategies for changing it.

How to Cope with Being an Emotional Eater

• Hire a professional to help: a counselor, nutritionist, personal trainer, or prescriber.

• Try not to categorize food as good vs. bad.

• Try thinking in terms of nutrients vs. snacks.

• Don’t skip meals—it can set you up for a binge.

• Use mindfulness skills when eating meals.

Besides counseling, I worked with a nutritionist/fitness coach for my health and wellness journey. She taught me invaluable lessons, especially about food freedom. The ability to no longer feel guilty or ashamed about eating food has been life-changing. I no longer think of myself as undeserving of happiness. She reminded me to focus on becoming stronger, not on the number on the scale.

I learned how to eat according to my body’s nutritional needs, supporting my emotional needs. I no longer dread or fear eating food. I genuinely enjoy it and appreciate it for helping me feel like my best self.

I’ll leave you with my favorite college exercise taught by a professor. She had us eat one Hershey’s Kiss as fast as possible and asked how satisfied we felt. Then she had us eat another one—this time savoring the flavor. I didn’t realize it then, but she taught us to eat mindfully. She wanted us to understand the importance of taking the time to enjoy food and not rushing the process.

What an incredible idea. We’re so busy with day-to-day obligations that we sometimes forget to pause and enjoy the moment.

If this resonates with you, I want you to know you are not alone. At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based clinical approaches to help meet your needs—and to help you rise from whatever challenges you’re facing.

Maria Peters, LMHC