Grief is Love With Nowhere to Go

Have you lost a loved one or loved ones?

Do you find yourself feeling sad, angry, or hurt whenever you think of them? You could be experiencing grief. In this blog, we will explore the concept of grief along with strategies to help you cope. I’m sharing my story in the hopes of offering encouragement and compassion to those struggling with grief and loss.

Over thirteen years ago, I lost my mother to cancer. It was one of the most devastating moments of my life. The best way I can describe the experience is that it felt like I was driving down a street and my car suddenly fell into a sinkhole. Everything I had known was gone—it all felt so different. I didn’t realize how many roles she played in my life besides being a mother: teacher, chauffeur, chef, house cleaner, hair stylist, accountant, and best friend.

For me, it wasn’t just mourning the loss of one person, but of many roles she embodied. As time went on, I felt like a shell of a person, just going through the motions of each day. Any memory of the past was too painful to face. I slipped into a deep depression that no one seemed able to pull me out of. I remember asking my mother’s oncologist if grief could physically hurt, because it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest.

Eventually, with the help of many supportive and loving people, I began to heal. I now proudly live on as the legacy of my mother.

Let us now discuss what grief truly is.

What is Grief?

Grief is a natural emotional reaction to a significant loss. There is no right or wrong way to experience it—it’s a deeply personal journey for everyone. Some people cry, feel angry, or profoundly sad. Others may feel numb and disconnected from their emotions for a long time.

Grief often has a domino effect: one loss can trigger the memory of previous losses. The body and mind then have to work through all of those thoughts and emotions again. It’s also very common for a major loss to spark anxiety about your own mortality, especially if you’ve endured several losses.

Some people may find themselves becoming more dependent on those around them out of fear of losing more support.

There are several clinical stages of grief: denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and acceptance. But these stages aren’t linear. You may experience them out of order—or even all at once. I believe this is one of the reasons grief can be so complicated and difficult to navigate.

Sometimes, life doesn’t allow us the time or space to process our grief. This is known as a delayed grief reaction, and it can happen for many reasons. Years ago, a client of mine lost her mother and didn’t cry about it until ten years later. She explained that she was too busy being a wife, working, and raising her children to allow herself to feel anything.

Grief is a hard road, but there are ways to cope and begin to heal.

Ways to Cope with Grief and Loss:

• Imagine your beloved is right next to you, doing the activity you once did together.

• Create a scrapbook of fond memories and pictures from before the person was sick or in decline. This helps shift your mind from reinforcing painful memories to embracing positive ones.

• Find one activity you look forward to doing once a week.

• Release a balloon in honor of your loved one.

• Write a letter to them.

• Listen to stories from others who knew your loved one.

When my mother was still alive, I loved calling her after work to share the details of my day. She always provided emotional support and love. Years later, when I was feeling the sharp pain of grief, I would sit in my car and pretend I was talking to her again—telling her all about my day.

This became a beautiful way for me to remember her and not feel as sad about her absence. I’d envision her beautiful laugh and caring voice as if she were right there in front of me.

Some days were harder than others. On those days, I’d look at the scrapbook I created—filled with memories and family photos from before she got sick. At least once a week, I look forward to painting my nails a fun color while listening to my favorite music. It gave me a sense of peace and distraction when my thoughts turned painful.

Once a month, I’d go window shopping for shoes and purses—my mother adored both. During those moments, I could almost feel her smiling down on me.

Losing a loved one—or more than one—can be an incredibly painful experience. But surrounding yourself with supportive people makes a difference. I often think of my mother and hope she is proud of the person I’ve become.

If this resonates with you, know that you are not alone.

At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based clinical approaches to meet your needs—and to help you rise from whatever challenges you’re facing.

Maria Peters, LMHC