Invisible Eyes: Overcoming the Spotlight of Social Anxiety

Do you think this sounds familiar to you? 

You dread attending social gatherings for fear of being judged by others. You worry about acting in an embarrassing way or drawing too much attention to yourself. You devise creative reasons—or even excuses—not to spend time with others due to your panic. In this blog, you’ll learn about social anxiety/social phobia along with ways to live with it. I’m sharing my story in the hopes of offering encouragement and compassion to those struggling with social anxiety.

Now, looking back over my life, it’s no surprise that I developed social anxiety/social phobia. You see, I was always—and still am—a shy and introverted. I used to be self-conscious about how I acted around my peers. Back then, I lacked the self-esteem to ignore what others thought of me. My parents were overprotective due to their own past traumatic experiences. Oftentimes, anxiety can be passed down when it’s multigenerational. Lucky me—it was now my turn to carry the family torch. Whenever I was invited to a social event, I would panic and, at the last minute, come up with an excuse for why I couldn’t go. If I’m being sincere, there are still times I do this, but not as often as when I was younger.

I still cringe when I think of the first time I worked with a personal trainer during my early years in college. I bravely disclosed to the trainer that I had social anxiety/social phobia, and she responded with great compassion. I didn’t know that she would challenge me in ways I never imagined. When I was finally getting used to working out in the smaller part of the gym, she suggested we try the “big gym.” This part of the gym gave me nightmares—it’s where the wrestling team and serious powerlifters worked out. As I felt my flesh crawl and my stomach do flips, we proceeded over there. She taught me that I had nothing to fear; other people in the gym were far too concerned with their own workouts to care about mine. She even went so far as to have me work out in front of a mirror. I felt like all eyes were on me, but in reality—no one was looking. She was right. Everyone was focused on themselves. The more often I went to the big gym, the more confidence I built, and suddenly the anxiety wasn’t so catastrophic. I learned that, for me, the key to battling this was to focus on my journey.

What Causes Social Anxiety/Social Phobia?

Social anxiety/social phobia occurs when you have an intense fear of being in social settings due to the potential judgment of others. Several causes may contribute to social anxiety/social phobia, including genetics. Some people have a family history of this form of anxiety, and it can be passed down from one generation to the next. Environmental factors also play a role, such as being mistreated or humiliated. If you were raised in an overly protective environment, you could have learned to be overly concerned about others’ opinions of you. A shy personality (like myself) can make you more prone to fearing judgment. If you have low self-esteem (like I had), it may be challenging to disregard others’ perspectives. Now that we’ve discussed the potential causes, let’s move on to coping skills that can help you function with this level of anxiety.

How Do You Live with Social Anxiety/Social Phobia?

• Hire a professional, such as a counselor or a prescriber.

• Locate your exits. Anxiety can make you feel trapped, and locating your exits can help you feel more in control.

• Try to decrease or limit your caffeine intake, as it is known to increase anxiety levels for some people.

• Use CBT skills (refer to the information below).

Now that we’ve looked at strategies to help you live with this type of anxiety, let’s explore one of the primary clinical methods to cope with it—CBT.

What Is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)?

This form of counseling is one of the most effective ways to treat social anxiety/social phobia. CBT teaches us how our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors all intersect. Changing our emotions isn’t like flipping a light switch. Developing new habits is helpful, but it takes time, often months. That leaves our thoughts. CBT helps us understand the importance of challenging negative thoughts, which are frequently illogical and driven by strong emotions rather than reality. Once we gain a different perspective, it becomes easier to create positive change.

Little did I know that when I worked with the personal trainer, she taught me CBT. I learned how to change my fear-based point of view and tap into my inner confidence. One classic CBT strategy is to use a thought chart. Typically, there are three columns to record a situation that triggered specific thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. The goal is to challenge or question the reliability of the beliefs behind those behaviors. Social anxiety/social phobia can distort how we see the world, leading to negative thoughts and actions. To understand this approach better, let’s look at a few common cognitive distortions. (Note: You can experience several of these simultaneously.)

Common Cognitive Distortions

1. Catastrophizing – Assuming the worst-case scenario will happen.

2. Emotional Reasoning – Believing something is true simply because you feel it.

3. Fortune Telling – Assuming you know what others think or feel, without evidence.

4. All-or-None Thinking – Seeing life only in extremes.

I’ll leave you with a great story about someone who coped with social anxiety/social phobia. While working at a day program, I ran several group sessions. One regularly attended client always asked to sit in the chair closest to the door. When I asked why, she said it helped her feel prepared in case she needed to escape during a panic attack. She did an excellent job using the “locate your exits” strategy. Knowing she wasn’t trapped gave her the confidence to stay in the groups mostly. She was reclaiming her power instead of letting social anxiety/social phobia take control. Bravo!

I hope this blog helps you gain back your power and live with less social anxiety/social phobia.

If this resonates with you, I want you to know you are not alone. At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based clinical approaches to help meet your needs and help you rise from whatever challenges you’re facing.

Maria Peters, LMHC