When Love Hurts: Waking Up to the Truth

Do you ever question whether you’re in a healthy relationship? Do you feel like your partner disregards your needs and wants? As time goes on, do you no longer recognize the person you’ve become? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may be in an abusive relationship. In this blog, we’ll explore abusive relationships and how safety planning can help. I’m sharing my story to offer encouragement and compassion to those struggling in similar situations.

Sometimes the body gives us hints about what actions we need to take in life. Toward the end of a very abusive relationship, I realized I had to walk away—but I was so scared. I’ll never forget how one morning I woke up with the worst case of double conjunctivitis I had ever experienced. It looked as though I had two black eyes. Looking back, I now realize it was my body’s way of signaling that I needed to leave—that it was time to literally open my eyes. I felt ashamed and embarrassed by my situation: a therapist trapped in her own daily HELL. No one really knew the struggles I was dealing with because this was my private torture—a skeleton in my closet, hidden from the world.

Every day felt like Groundhog Day, where I could almost predict the vicious cycle waiting for me at home. I tried to escape my nightmare by diving deeper into my career, but eventually it all caught up to me. Clinically, the cycle of abuse has three main phases. First, tension builds—you feel the need to pacify the abuser. Then comes the incident itself, followed by the abuser apologizing, blaming, excusing, or denying what happened. Finally, the “honeymoon phase” begins, where everything seems fine, and no abuse occurs, for a time. But every time you take another spin on this wheel, you lose a piece of who you once were. I lived in that awful cycle for years.

Let’s now discuss the typical warning signs that abusers use to confuse and manipulate their partners.

Red Flags of Abusive Relationships

• Your partner is jealous when you spend time with family or friends.

• Your partner convinces you to move away from your emotional support system, so they can fully control you.

• Your partner exhibits a rude or inconsiderate demeanor.

• Your partner shuts down when you express your needs and wants.

• Your partner is very critical of others.

• Your partner ignores rules, regulations, and laws.

• Your partner deliberately makes you feel insecure.

• Your partner constantly questions your loyalty.

• Your partner never takes responsibility for mistakes and always blames others.

• Your partner portrays themselves as the perpetual victim.

The Challenges of Leaving an Abusive Relationship

• Money – The abuser creates scenarios in which you rely on them for financial security.

• Co-dependency – The abuser makes you feel guilty if you’re not constantly with them.

• Children – You want to provide food and shelter for your children, and fear that leaving may interfere with this.

• Low self-esteem – The abuser has destroyed your sense of self-worth, making the idea of leaving feel paralyzing.

How to Leave an Abusive Relationship

• Hire a professional, such as a counselor.

• Talk to your PCP.

• Talk to your church.

• Inform your children’s school.

• Tell someone in your life whom you trust.

• Go to the nearest emergency room.

• Contact a local domestic violence center such as HAWC—helpful people and resources are available.

• Call the local domestic violence hotline.

• Contact the local authorities.

• Contact a lawyer.

Once you’ve made the decision to walk away and located your support network, it’s time to create a safe exit plan.

Safety Planning

• Confide in a trusted person and let them know your current situation.

• Begin storing important documents like your passport, driver’s license, and social security card.

• Start setting aside money, even in small amounts.

• Keep a suitcase of essential belongings in a place the abuser cannot access—or better yet, store it with your trusted person.

• Maintain the appearance that everything is normal—“business as usual.”

• Reach out to a counselor or HAWC for ongoing support.

• Contact a local shelter that can provide a safe, temporary environment.

• Take pictures of any physical injuries—these can serve as evidence in court.

• When it’s time to move out, bring someone you trust or a police officer in case your partner discovers your plan.

• If the court becomes involved, request to speak with a domestic violence advocate.

My therapist once told me that even though abuse had caused me to lose parts of myself, with time and healing, I could gather those pieces and feel whole again. Life after leaving an abusive relationship has its challenges, but with the right resources, you can build a healthier life. I hope this blog provides the information and courage you need to feel less trapped than I once did. You deserve better.

If this resonates with you, I want you to know that you are not alone. At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based clinical approaches to help meet your needs and help you rise from whatever challenges you’re facing.

Maria Peters, LMHC