Riding the Wave: Helping a Loved One Through Substance Abuse

Do you ever search for the right words to say to someone you love who is dealing with substance abuse? Do you worry that you might say the wrong thing and upset them?

In this blog, we will explore substance abuse and how a technique called urge surfing can help. I’m sharing my story to offer encouragement and compassion to those who are struggling with loved ones who may have a substance abuse issue.

When I was in college, I had a best friend who I suspected might have a problem with alcohol, but I wasn’t sure. I remember feeling lost—I wanted to help, but I didn’t know how. The irony was that this all happened during my freshman year, while I was working on my undergraduate degree in Psychology. Unfortunately, I hadn’t yet lived enough or received enough education to have the knowledge I do now.

All I knew at the time was that my friend could drink alcohol like it was water—it went down so easily, followed by many more. Once substances were in their system, their mood and personality would drastically shift. Life events like these showed me I was meant to become a counselor and help others. I eventually completed my undergraduate degree and went on to pursue my graduate degree in counseling psychology.

Here are some telltale signs that someone you love may have a substance abuse problem:

Signs Someone You Love Has a Substance Abuse Problem

• You find substance paraphernalia (items used to consume or prepare drugs or alcohol, such as pipes, needles, empty bottles, or rolling papers)  in their home or car

• You catch them contradicting themselves

• They become very defensive when asked about their behavior

• They create excuses to justify their actions

• They start blaming others for their choices

• They claim it’s their body and they can do what they want with it

• They tell you to mind your own business

• They insist they can stop whenever they want

• They downplay it, saying it only happens a few times a month

• They say everyone else does it, so it’s not a big deal

• They are very private about most aspects of their life

• You notice physical signs like dilated pupils, bloodshot eyes, discolored skin, unexplained weight loss or gain, slurred or pressured speech, or bruises/marks on their body

Now let’s discuss some ways you can support someone with a substance abuse issue:

How to Help Someone with a Substance Abuse Problem

• Hire a counselor, a couples counselor, or a substance abuse counselor

• Encourage AA, NA, or SMART Recovery meetings

• Offer to attend meetings with them

• Offer to take them to a local detox program

• Attend Al-Anon meetings for your own support

• Avoid using ultimatums

• Try to understand where the person is coming from

• Offer compassion and validation

• Avoid judgment

• Don’t enable the behavior

• Don’t offer money

One clinical skill that can be very helpful is urge surfing. This distress tolerance technique is often used when someone feels a strong craving to engage in an unhealthy behavior, such as using substances. As the metaphor implies, just like a wave in the ocean, a craving builds, peaks, and eventually passes. The key is to “ride the wave” instead of clinging to it—this helps prevent acting on the craving.

The urge increases in intensity, reaches its highest point, and then gradually fades. If the person can find a healthy distraction, they can usually survive the intense craving. It’s important to note that this technique is often most effective when combined with counseling. Unfortunately, we’re all human and can’t force someone to change unless they want to. When supporting a loved one with a substance abuse issue, all we can do is offer love and encouragement. If that isn’t enough, consider seeking professional help to get them the support they need.

When I was running a recovery group, there was a younger member who made it their mission to revisit social settings where they had once used substances. They chose to rewrite their past by returning to those situations and remaining sober.

I hope this blog helps you realize that you can change the course of your life with the proper support and resources.

If this resonates with you, I want you to know you’re not alone. At Like a Phoenix, our team is dedicated to providing compassion and support. We use evidence-based clinical approaches to help meet your needs—and to help you rise from whatever challenges you're facing.

Maria Peters, LMHC